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| Where Oh Where Can My Baby Be?
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| Sometimes it seems as if they’ll never grow up and then when they do…the empty nest can be a lonely place to live. Be strong, be patient and concentrate on the new opportunities for fulfillment.
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“April,” wrote British poet T. S. Eliot, “is the cruelest month.”
But if you were to ask most parents, they’d choose the time of year when children leave home to attend college or university, ushering in a traumatic period of adjustment.
The vacuum they leave behind is often filled with sadness—few parents are immune to the effects of empty nest syndrome, a potentially devastating
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mental state that may never be overcome.
The sense of anticipation and excitement that characterizes the child’s feelings of starting out new, contrasts sorely with the emotions frequently experienced by parents.
“It is a feeling of both bereavement and redundancy,” says British writer Shelley Bovey, (www.shelleybovey.com) author of The Empty Nest, (available at Amazon.com).
“The sense of bereavement is very strong, yet at the same time parents feel guilty about such a strong emotion, as their child has not died.”
Bovey notes the compulsion to spend time in the absent child’s room, where thoughts turn to the once familiar sounds of loud music and feet thumping on the stairway. A young person’s presence is exceedingly vital, so there is constant reminder of their absence.
“Even though you can speak to your child and see them occasionally, there is a sense of disconnectedness,” explains Bovey. “Other people, other surroundings are now shaping them. And you are redundant; the ‘active’ stage of parenting is over. It takes time to find out what your new role is.”
Like any feelings, the emotions associated with empty nest syndrome should be confronted and openly discussed. There’s no shame in lamenting the curtailing of parental duties, however thankless they may at times have seemed.
In fact Bovey describes empty nest syndrome as a normal occurrence: “We spend 20-odd years doing the job of parenting, we sacrifice much for it and just as our children are becoming civilized, able to be interested in us as people (if we’re lucky), able to return some of what we’ve given, they leave. It’s like being made redundant from a job you’ve loved for years, or given a different place in the work hierarchy; you didn’t ask for it, it is uncomfortable and can undermine self-esteem.”
If empty nest syndrome is essentially a modern-day phenomenon, Bovey attributes it to the breakup of the extended family, and the decision of many couples to delay pregnancy.
With career choices taking precedence over family, parents are denied the blessing of grandchildren. “Very often the empty nest segued quite soon into the grandparent stage and we became grandparents much earlier,” comments Bovey. “My children are in their 30s and still no grandchildren and this is common—so once again, what is our role? I think it is more difficult for the current empty nest generation of parents.”
Search for Tomorrow:
Women are more likely to suffer from empty nest syndrome than men, their susceptibility exacerbated by menopause, which typically coincides with the departure of children from the household. It’s a potentially devastating combination that may result in clinical depression. Symptoms of depression include:
- Fatigue
- Either insomnia or over-sleeping
- Anxiety
- Irritability
- Loss of emotional control
- Either overeating or decreased appetite
- Persistent headache
Empty nest syndrome, like bereavement, has its stages. Bovey identifies three, each with its own special challenges.
The first stage is the most overwhelming, when depression takes hold. It’s usually accompanied by a feeling of helplessness as children, experiencing their first real taste of independence, reject every overture.
“We don’t know the protocol,” explains Bovey. “How often should we ring? Do we still have any input into their lives? Of course the answer is yes, but it doesn’t feel like it at the time.”
Acceptance marks the beginning of a new phase, when parents look for ways to fill the void within the household. Suddenly the opportunity exists to pursue goals that parental responsibilities formerly denied.
The third and perhaps most significant stage features the blossoming of a new relationship between parent and child, one accompanied by the rewards of friendship.
“A great deal can be shared,” notes Bovey. “You can often do things with them that you didn’t before—whether it’s meeting for lunch, or theater or whatever, finding that you are still needed for advice on a number of things they thought they could cope with on their own but actually can’t. And you meet their new friends and find you are relating to adults –you bridge the gap between the child you once knew and the adult he or she has become.”
In a world of instant gratification it’s often difficult to accept the healing powers of time, but the need for patience is crucial to overcoming the effects of empty nest syndrome. The task of redefining yourself is never easy, particularly for mothers who had no desire to see their role re-defined.
“Search,” advises Bovey, “until you find one thing you really would like to do. It might be a hobby like painting, volunteer work, or perhaps even a change of career. While it may not be evident at first, nearly everyone has something inside them—or finds something through searching and being open-minded—that suddenly clicks, and you think. ‘Yes, this is what I want to do or be.’ I ended up as the manager of a singer whom I had worshipped in the 1960s and who is still performing. Never, in those days when I had children at home, would I have believed such a thing could happen to me!”
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