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| Yap, Yap, Yap
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| Being a good conversationalist is as much about listening as it is about talking. If you haven’t heard the sound of another human voice in a while, if your partner’s eyes have glazed over, if your colleagues look like trapped animals when you walk into the lunch room, if…
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You love to talk and are always ready with a funny story or controversial opinion, but lately you’ve noticed a deafening quiet descends when you open your mouth. The sudden silence of friends, family or co-workers may speak volumes about your need to cool it and let the conversation flow.
A good conversation is not unlike a friendly game of tennis. In an ideal exchange we toss our thoughts and opinions over the net, and we receive
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the courtesy of a gentle return. Back and forth it goes. The reality of many of our daily exchanges with friends, co-workers and family can be quite different, however. The fact is some players in the conversation game are more skilled than others and every one of us has been on the receiving end of an onslaught of clumsy lobs from a professional chatterbox. And though we may hate to admit it, more than once we¹ve crossed the line ourselves.
So how much talking is too much?
“This is hard to define objectively. Over talkativeness would be considered problematic if it resulted in adverse reactions from others, which would affect one’s social and probably vocational functioning, while eventually adversely affecting the individual’s self esteem,”says Dr. Mark Stein, clinical psychologist and researcher at the University of Illinois at Chicago.
One significant sign that you’ve talked someone into catatonic indifference is prolonged silence. If it’s been five minutes, and you haven’t heard a peep out of your conversation partner then it is time for you to reach out and engage your listener. Ask questions. Indicate your interest in what they have to say. By taking the time to engage another person you can only gain in perspective—and intimacy.
“(By listening) you learn about what’s going on in the world outside your own narrow view... People like people who show an interest in them as people and what they do,” offers John Baldoni (www.johnbaldoni.com), leadership and communications consultant and author of five books including Great Communication Secrets of Great Leaders, and his latest, Great Motivation Secrets of Great Leaders (available on Amazon.com).
Hear! Hear!
Five tips to becoming a better listener:
- Model yourself on a good listener. All of us know or have met someone who makes us feel interesting and worthwhile when we talk. Keep that person in mind—their body language and demeanor—as you try to radiate the same attention to others.
- Be attentive. Don’t listen in order to respond, listen in order to better understand the position of the speaker. “I would suggest that the person relax, and try to listen for both the content and the emotions of the person who is talking to them; and be sensitive to verbal and nonverbal cues. It also helps to frequently summarize to check out if you are accurate in what you are ‘hearing,’" says Dr.Stein.
- Once you make the decision to improve your listening skills, stick to it and approach it with a good spirit. “Commit to it. Schedule it. Practice. The most important element in listening is commitment, the willingness to do it,” offers Baldoni. “Close your yap and listen to the silence. Practice listening to silence.”
- Be self-aware but not self-critical. Excessive talking may be a sign of insecurity; we talk to fill up space. Spend some quiet time listening to yourself and ask yourself why you feel the need to dominate the conversation.
- If you find yourself talking to compensate for another’s shyness then become a friendly interrogator. Make it an active process. Listen to others by asking open-ended questions, e.g., “Tell me [about]...” Ask “how” and “why,” use them as door openers, not accusatory statements.
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