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| Kicking, Screaming and Crying...Tantrums
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| Temper tantrums are natural to toddlers whose reach exceeds their grasp.
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| It’s not easy being two. Limited speech combined with unlimited desire can unhinge even the most good-natured toddler. For flummoxed parents, however, there’s nothing quite so horrifying as the sight and sound of their adorable moppet morphing from obliging angel to mutinous monster in the time it takes
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to say no to a package of gummi bears at the supermarket checkout.
Kicking, screaming, pulling hair and throwing things make for an embarrassing scene but they’re also symptomatic of a perfectly normal stage of development.
“Temper tantrums aren't about anything you've done wrong as a parent. They aren't a sign that anything is wrong with your child, and they really aren’t about temper, either –
they are actually an abrupt and sudden loss of emotional control due to your child's immaturity. They are common throughout the toddler, preschooler and early elementary years,” says Elizabeth Pantley, Washington-state-based parent educator and author of several books, including Gentle Baby: No-Cry, No-Fuss, No-Worry (available at www.amazon.com ).
The years from one to three, in particular, are fertile tantrum-throwing territory and are equally common to boys and girls. Underlying reasons for tantrums usually involve frustration or the child’s desire to emotionally manipulate the people around her.
While it's normal for your child to have tantrums, your response determines their frequency according to Pantley. By giving in and rewarding bad behavior, you’re teaching your child that these seismic explosions are worth the effort because they work.
Whatever you do, keep your own emotions in check.
“Avoid responding to your child's emotional outburst with one of your own. Your anger will tend to escalate your child's eruption. Instead, control your own anger first by closing your eyes, taking a deep breath and calming yourself. You'll be better off if you take the time to calm down and then approach your child from a more level-headed position of
strength,” says Pantley.
Tempering the Tantrum Habit:
Elizabeth Pantley offers a variety of suggestions designed to help you curb your
child's tantrums:
- Create a Tantrum Place: Inform your child that all tantrums are confined to one specific room. When a tantrum starts, escort your child to the tantrum room and say, "You can come out when you're done." Repeat as often as necessary. Tantrums are no fun without an audience!
- Teach Self-control: If your child has tantrums and can't seem to calm down, teach her how to control herself. Hug and rock her, speak soothingly as the tantrum abates. Distract her by washing her face and offer a drink of water. Don’t give in to the original request. Remain calm.
- Remove the Audience: Assuming there’s no safety issue, announce that you’re leaving the room. Keep busy, be patient and wait for your child to calm down.
- Use Distraction: When you see your child beginning to lose control, use distraction to ward off a full-blown outburst. Avoid frustration by varying activities.
- Prevention as Cure: Offer a choice. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke trouble, offer alternatives. “What would you like to do first — put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?”
- Avoid Problematic Situations: Don’t let your child become overtired, hungry or over-stimulated. Tantrums often occur as a side effect of other problems. If your child is tired, put him down for a nap; if hungry, provide a snack; if upset with a friend or sibling, separate them temporarily. Never run errands with an over-taxed toddler. Always keep children’s natural limits in mind.
- Last Resort: If your child has frequent intense tantrums, talk with your pediatrician, a counselor or family therapist
- For more advice go to Pantley’s website at www.pantley.com/elizabeth
And what about those dreaded big-kid tantrums? Pantley suggests that when your older child loses control, send her to her room until she cools off.
“If she doesn’t go to her room as asked, she’ll lose a privilege — decide in advance what that will be — telephone, TV, or bike, for example. This is, of course, in addition to the fact that she still must go to her room to calm down.”
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